Should you tell others about your spouse’s affair?

This was a question posted by Anne Bercht. Anne has seminars and informs professionals and couples who deal with affairs.  This is a great question many couples ask when seeking help for their marriage.

Anne Berch responds with caution in her post saying: “It’s important to tell someone, because you should not bear this pain in isolation. It’s wise to tell a few people, who can support you during this difficult time, and listen to you, without judgment, without telling you what to do, and without offering you unsolicited and/or uneducated advice. It’s tempting to slander your spouse’s name around the community as a form of punishment, so they have to suffer for what they’ve done, but afterwards, you’ll still be left with your pain. Getting revenge in this way won’t take your pain away. And in the event that healing your marriage is a possibility for you, slandering your spouse may make it more difficult. ”

In summary, to answer the initial question she says, “If you can’t think of a positive outcome that will result from your telling certain people, you probably shouldn’t be telling them. Unless sharing is going to benefit you or someone else, you shouldn’t tell.”

Then she adds a great analogy of why to see help. She stated, “let’s say your spouse broke your arm. Would it be adequate for them to say “I’m sorry, I broke your arm, I’ll never do it again.” No, for heaven sakes, you need to get to a hospital immediately to see a doctor so your injury can heal properly. The first thing the doctor will do is to push the bone back in place. In the same way your marriage has been severely broken, and you need the help of a specialist to set things back in place.

After that the doctor will put a cast on the arm. Why? To protect it from further damage while it’s still weak in the broken place. In the same way your marriage needs to have a cast on. It needs to be protected from further damage while you heal.

Sometimes when other people know about the affair, they cause further injury through their hurtful gossip, and/or harmful and uninformed advice. If you have people in your circle of influence who know of the affair and are causing damage there’s nothing wrong with minimizing your contact with them until your marriage can be healed.

It’s encouraging to know that when a bone is broken and heals properly, the place where it heals is actually stronger than before the injury. In the same way your marriage when healed properly can be stronger than before, but left unattended would be like a person with a broken arm who never gets it set back in place. The untreated arm could never be used as it was intended again, and would remain a painful source of regret and irritation.”

To learn more on how to handle an affair please call us.

You can also read more on Mrs. Berch:



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